I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
