i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
