Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
