May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
