got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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