found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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