Welp...herpes.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
