A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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