Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
