I just pynch a tree in the face
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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