I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
