I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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