so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
