I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
