Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
