You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
