hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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