I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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