She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
