I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
