I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
