First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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