Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
