I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
