My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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