im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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