I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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