if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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