I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
