She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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