3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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