she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
