Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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