Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
