i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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