Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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