Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
