wanna go halves on a baby?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
