well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
