hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
