I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
