Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
