You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
