I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
