I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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