I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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