I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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