Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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