quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
