So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
