I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
