yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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